...favorite things...
Today is my 49th Birthday (half-way to 98 - as my children say).
I’ve spent a good part of this year learning to use my agency to actually make choices instead of living in a world of constant expectations and obligations. It’s a challenge and I’ve had to ask myself hard questions. One of those questions is “What DO you like, Mary?” — not what are you supposed to like or expected to like or assumed to like - “What DO I like?
I like...
— no, there won’t be 49 - goodness - but I’m also long winded... so... take that into consideration — I’ll go for my current top 10ish... in completely random order...
Music
If you know anything about me — this is a no-brainer — but I’ll be a little more specific.
• Musicals are my favorite genre - they just are. I want to spend more time this year to discover lost (to me) musical gems.
• I really like vocal jazz. I love the complexities in both the chords and the rhythms. Manhattan Transfer’s ‘Birdland’ could play over and over again and I’d never tire of it.
• I’m very picky about Hymn arrangements — and I think the LDS music culture could learn a few things from their Christian friends about how to worship through music. My dream is to do any Dan Forrest or Craig Courtney song in a Stake Conference or church something and let the congregation feel the goodness their music brings.
Clocks
• I like to know the time by looking up from anywhere in my house.
• I don’t buy ugly crappy $5 clocks. Function can also be artsy and beautiful.
• The bigger the better.
• My mind literally translates digital clock time to its analog visual representation. Every. Single. Time. (pun intended) 😁
Shoes
• I like shoes. I need more shoes. I really, really need more shoes.
• Shoes can be sparkly. Shoes can be functional. Shoes can have color. Shoes can have texture. Shoes can be just for fun.
• My square feet are hard to fit into shoes — but I’m going to keep trying and buying and wearing because — I REALLY LIKE SHOES!!
Travel
• I like to get in the car and go. I like to not have strict plans.
• I like to stop and explore and choose and change my mind.
• I like to get my hotel 20 mins out from our destination — because I can.
• I like to pack light and not plan for 1,000 contingencies.
• I really love the wide open spaces of the West and the many different geological wonders.
• I want to explore the green beauty of the Pacific NW.
• I want to bask in the history of the East Coast.
Nails and Feet
• I have been getting my nails on my hands done for 29 years and I have NO intention of stopping anytime soon. It is one of my favorite self-care moments and I have finally conquered the destructive guilt I felt every time. Not anymore — I’m going to bask in the glory of colored fingernails.
• Pedicures are the best things ever!! In my dream world, they would happen every 3 weeks. I am also putting this on my self-care list — which should really be my “YOU GO GIRL!!” list. #loudfingersnap
Therapy & “...as thyself”
• Everyone needs it. That’s really the bottom line. If you think you don’t — you do. You really do.
• Take the time to find a therapist that speaks your language and then take the time to really learn about yourself — because you can only change yourself.
• And in that time of self-discovery - learn to love yourself. It’s hard. It’s brutal. It’s painful. It is completely necessary.
• Someday soon I’m going to do a blog post on “love thy neighbor — AS THYSELF” — because I think we gloss over that part entirely too much — and it’s really not ok.
Barry Manilow & Michael Jackson
• ha ha ha ha ha -- I am completely serious though. I LOVE them both in so many different ways!
• I can sing along to 90% of Barry and I love to watch 90% of Michael.
• I love the cheesy calmness of Barry and I love the simple entertainment of Michael.
• I'm going to own this love and I won't back down.
So You Think You Can Dance & Bachelor in Paradise (shhhhhhhhh)
• The first show is my great summer love -- I think dancing is the most beautiful magical thing.
• I love to watch their passion and the story-telling.
• I love how they can make the music sing with the movement of their bodies.
• I love the talent of choreographers that can take something that they can only see in their head and make it translate through two practical strangers and it becomes BEAUTIFUL MAGIC.
• The second show is my great summer secret -- it's the absolute worst -- and I love the "non-scripted" entertainment of it all. The video and music editors should get ALL THE AWARDS -- they make it funny and the best cheesy show of the entire Bachelor Nation.
Connection
• I think the world survives on connection.
• I think it would thrive with more connection.
• True connection is judgement free.
• Healthy connection starts with empathy.
• Any connection requires vulnerability.
• Safe connection will probably have boundaries.
• Deep connection takes effort.
• Connection is what God is telling us to do -- love each other, learn from and about each other, be grateful for our differences, be connected to one another and our lives will be full and we will be able to find ways to love and heal one another.
... and these are a few of my favorite things.
And you are WELCOME if the song is now stuck in your head! he he
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Sunday, April 22, 2018
…if i %*$(@#%& hear…
…one more person say…
1) "They should be happy with the 20%."
2) "They are abandoning my child."
3) "They knew what it was they were getting into."
4) "They should find a new job."
My out loud and in their face reply to WHOMEVER makes another $%^&!* statement of complete ignorance WILL be…
1) Please take a moment, or 10, and use your ability to read to actually educate yourself about the "20%".
-- it's been promised before - government lies
-- Dear AZ State Government -- you have violated my trust, I'm not going to believe you now.
-- it's not the only dog in the fight.
-- EDUCATE YOURSELF -- the information is out there -- find it.
2) Get over yourself.
-- school is not free childcare.
-- YOU are responsible for your child's well being.
-- again, use your brain -- educate yourself -- figure out a solution for your family. You can do it.
-- and… this argument/statement doesn't make any sense -- really -- it's loud eye roll worthy.
3) Did they? Did they really?
-- I would bet that the pay scale new teachers were presented with at the time they signed their contract was filled with hope and possibilities and numbers that their districts were crossing their fingers would -- if they held their breath -- come to pass.
-- And what if teachers did know? How does that negate the fact that they have not received what they were promised? Or are not paid a fair wage?!
-- they have to use their own funds for @$#%&*! pencils!! Did they know they would have to do that? I have used MY FUNDS for my daughter/s classroom (she is a teacher) -- yes I was willing and financially able -- but why should I have to?!?!
-- My husband's job would NEVER require him to purchase any equipment that was needed to do his job or the job of any of his co-workers.
-- extra time teachers spend finishing their job outside of work hours is outrageous!! They do not receive extra pay.
-- My husband might be on call after hours for a week, but he is PAID EXTRA for his time.
4) THEY ARE!!
-- and it's hurting the students. Students need structure. Students need stability. There are 2,000 open teaching positions in Arizona that are being filled by temporary substitutes. Substitutes have their place in the education system, but it is not fair to them NOR the students that the subs are being thrown into disrupted classrooms with no resources, no mentors and are required to know and do the same as certified teachers. WHAT?! Why is that even a thing? The subs are absolutely doing their best -- but it still doesn't make it ok.
-- qualified, excellent, passionate teachers are leaving Arizona -- and it's not because of our delightful desert winters. We need them to stay in our communities and build safe places for learning. We need their passion and love to sustain and increase communities and families. We need them to teach our children!!
And about the Walk-out that have the whiners out in freakin' droves…… (where is my loud eye roll emoji when I need it?!?!?!)
To the whiners -- shut the $&*@#^ up and educate yourself.
To the Teachers -- GO. FIGHT. WIN.
I am with you. I am on your side. I will help you fight your battle. GO. FIGHT. WIN.
Yes -- this is hard and messy and probably inconvenient. OK so is giving birth and raising children -- but yet -- HERE. WE. ARE.
My teacher friend reminded me that this MOVEMENT looks like Newsies the Musical!! (which is my fav and a MASTERPIECE!! I dare you to fight me on that!!) And yeah, it was messy, and yeah people got hurt, and yeah it's going to be loud!!
But when do we get to have a voice? When do we get to stand on the side of right?
NOW -- we get to have a voice NOW.
NOW -- we get to stand up for right NOW.
To the teachers and the parents supporting teachers and the students supporting teachers:
SEIZE THE #@!#%#* DAY!!
AND THE WORLD WILL $@^#* KNOW!!
CARRY THE %#$!!&% BANNER!!!
WATCH WHAT !@$%&* HAPPENS!!
MARY'S #$%%^&*^% HERE!!
ONCE AND FOR $%&$!!* ALL!!!!
And yes -- I visualize it all ending with a pose of papes (textbooks) in the @#$^& air -- fists (holding brand new pencils) pounding the sky and voices as LOUD AS THUNDER!!!
P.S. And you better believe my head was saying every single !#$^&* with zero shame -- I just chose to spare you. You are welcome.
1) "They should be happy with the 20%."
2) "They are abandoning my child."
3) "They knew what it was they were getting into."
4) "They should find a new job."
My out loud and in their face reply to WHOMEVER makes another $%^&!* statement of complete ignorance WILL be…
1) Please take a moment, or 10, and use your ability to read to actually educate yourself about the "20%".
-- it's been promised before - government lies
-- Dear AZ State Government -- you have violated my trust, I'm not going to believe you now.
-- it's not the only dog in the fight.
-- EDUCATE YOURSELF -- the information is out there -- find it.
2) Get over yourself.
-- school is not free childcare.
-- YOU are responsible for your child's well being.
-- again, use your brain -- educate yourself -- figure out a solution for your family. You can do it.
-- and… this argument/statement doesn't make any sense -- really -- it's loud eye roll worthy.
3) Did they? Did they really?
-- I would bet that the pay scale new teachers were presented with at the time they signed their contract was filled with hope and possibilities and numbers that their districts were crossing their fingers would -- if they held their breath -- come to pass.
-- And what if teachers did know? How does that negate the fact that they have not received what they were promised? Or are not paid a fair wage?!
-- they have to use their own funds for @$#%&*! pencils!! Did they know they would have to do that? I have used MY FUNDS for my daughter/s classroom (she is a teacher) -- yes I was willing and financially able -- but why should I have to?!?!
-- My husband's job would NEVER require him to purchase any equipment that was needed to do his job or the job of any of his co-workers.
-- extra time teachers spend finishing their job outside of work hours is outrageous!! They do not receive extra pay.
-- My husband might be on call after hours for a week, but he is PAID EXTRA for his time.
4) THEY ARE!!
-- and it's hurting the students. Students need structure. Students need stability. There are 2,000 open teaching positions in Arizona that are being filled by temporary substitutes. Substitutes have their place in the education system, but it is not fair to them NOR the students that the subs are being thrown into disrupted classrooms with no resources, no mentors and are required to know and do the same as certified teachers. WHAT?! Why is that even a thing? The subs are absolutely doing their best -- but it still doesn't make it ok.
-- qualified, excellent, passionate teachers are leaving Arizona -- and it's not because of our delightful desert winters. We need them to stay in our communities and build safe places for learning. We need their passion and love to sustain and increase communities and families. We need them to teach our children!!
And about the Walk-out that have the whiners out in freakin' droves…… (where is my loud eye roll emoji when I need it?!?!?!)
To the whiners -- shut the $&*@#^ up and educate yourself.
To the Teachers -- GO. FIGHT. WIN.
I am with you. I am on your side. I will help you fight your battle. GO. FIGHT. WIN.
Yes -- this is hard and messy and probably inconvenient. OK so is giving birth and raising children -- but yet -- HERE. WE. ARE.
My teacher friend reminded me that this MOVEMENT looks like Newsies the Musical!! (which is my fav and a MASTERPIECE!! I dare you to fight me on that!!) And yeah, it was messy, and yeah people got hurt, and yeah it's going to be loud!!
But when do we get to have a voice? When do we get to stand on the side of right?
NOW -- we get to have a voice NOW.
NOW -- we get to stand up for right NOW.
To the teachers and the parents supporting teachers and the students supporting teachers:
SEIZE THE #@!#%#* DAY!!
AND THE WORLD WILL $@^#* KNOW!!
CARRY THE %#$!!&% BANNER!!!
WATCH WHAT !@$%&* HAPPENS!!
MARY'S #$%%^&*^% HERE!!
ONCE AND FOR $%&$!!* ALL!!!!
And yes -- I visualize it all ending with a pose of papes (textbooks) in the @#$^& air -- fists (holding brand new pencils) pounding the sky and voices as LOUD AS THUNDER!!!
P.S. And you better believe my head was saying every single !#$^&* with zero shame -- I just chose to spare you. You are welcome.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
…me too…
I typed that today -- for the first time -- where others could see.
I think I added a !%^&* before it.
If I didn't -- I should have -- I wanted to -- it needs to be there.
!%^&$# ME TOO!!!
That feels better.
There is an internal struggle -- these 1in 4* women** have that can't really be described in a clear-cut singular emotion.
I think we try for years to pinpoint it -- is it rage? is it basic anger? is it disgust? is it sadness? is it despondent? is it grief? is it despair?
It's none of those specifically, but all of those combined.
All of the time.
Also throw in the shame, distrust, lack of self-worth, confusion, hurt, pain, lack of peace, anxiety, depression -- again, not just one of those -- but ALL of those.
All of the time.
It's heavy. So heavy. Almost too heavy.
It weighs you down, it gets dragged behind you.
Everyday. All day. Relentless. Ever present.
The heavy bogs up the joy, laughter, peace, hope, love and life.
It fills the empty spaces with doubt, confusion, worry, panic, fear.
It consumes -- like a black hole -- sucking the very life out of the universe, out of space.
Out of your soul.
But do you know what the WORST part is --- the HAREST part --- the part that OVERWHELMS you?
silence
I have to do something about the silence.
Shout it from the rooftops? Create a billboard? Rent a blimp? Hire a sky-wirter? Get a tatoo?
Are any of those enough? It doesn't feel like it. It feels hopeless -- like nothing will be enough.
Huh -- a thought just came to me… literally just popped into my head as I was typing…
…my voice…
…my voice can break the silence…
…deep breath…
I was sexually abused from the ages of 6 years old to 11 years old by cousins that lived next door to me. A male cousin, 2 female cousins and the dad of those cousins.
I was not alowed to talk about it to anyone. I tried my best to be brave. I tried to protect my younger sisters, but was unsuccessful.
I was told to love them anyway because they were family -- and you should love and trust family.
I am a surviver of childhood sexual abuse.
My voice will break the silence…
…and so can yours…
*it's probably more like 1 in 2 -- let's be real
**just assume there are men in this group too, but I only know a woman's point of view, so I'm going to speak about them
I think I added a !%^&* before it.
If I didn't -- I should have -- I wanted to -- it needs to be there.
!%^&$# ME TOO!!!
That feels better.
There is an internal struggle -- these 1in 4* women** have that can't really be described in a clear-cut singular emotion.
I think we try for years to pinpoint it -- is it rage? is it basic anger? is it disgust? is it sadness? is it despondent? is it grief? is it despair?
It's none of those specifically, but all of those combined.
All of the time.
Also throw in the shame, distrust, lack of self-worth, confusion, hurt, pain, lack of peace, anxiety, depression -- again, not just one of those -- but ALL of those.
All of the time.
It's heavy. So heavy. Almost too heavy.
It weighs you down, it gets dragged behind you.
Everyday. All day. Relentless. Ever present.
The heavy bogs up the joy, laughter, peace, hope, love and life.
It fills the empty spaces with doubt, confusion, worry, panic, fear.
It consumes -- like a black hole -- sucking the very life out of the universe, out of space.
Out of your soul.
But do you know what the WORST part is --- the HAREST part --- the part that OVERWHELMS you?
silence
I have to do something about the silence.
Shout it from the rooftops? Create a billboard? Rent a blimp? Hire a sky-wirter? Get a tatoo?
Are any of those enough? It doesn't feel like it. It feels hopeless -- like nothing will be enough.
Huh -- a thought just came to me… literally just popped into my head as I was typing…
…my voice…
…my voice can break the silence…
…deep breath…
I was sexually abused from the ages of 6 years old to 11 years old by cousins that lived next door to me. A male cousin, 2 female cousins and the dad of those cousins.
I was not alowed to talk about it to anyone. I tried my best to be brave. I tried to protect my younger sisters, but was unsuccessful.
I was told to love them anyway because they were family -- and you should love and trust family.
I am a surviver of childhood sexual abuse.
My voice will break the silence…
…and so can yours…
*it's probably more like 1 in 2 -- let's be real
**just assume there are men in this group too, but I only know a woman's point of view, so I'm going to speak about them
Monday, January 8, 2018
…i would have…
…worn BLACK…
If I had known about #TimesUp before last night at 8:45 pm -- I would have worn black to church.
Why…… so my voice would have echoed with theirs.
I believe -- I need their voice to lift my own so that I can be heard across the valleys and rivers and mountains of the world.
I need those women and men to speak LOUD and STRONG -- they can make global change, create global awareness -- where there was none -- where there should be some.
I need their voices to help me to be brave, strong, fierce, passionate.
I can use my voice to change my world -- and I am -- but I am so grateful for their voices that carry beyond my reach.
Too often we vilify those in Hollywood for their "money", "fame", "conceit", "lack of morals" etc…etc… but really we know NOTHING about those people and who they really are. Nothing.
There is goodness within that world of Hollywood -- so much goodness.
If we would only stop our constant judgement to…
…look a little deeper…
…look -- harder…
…see beyond the mysterious beyond…
…find a point of mutual understanding…
…see the passion in which they live their lives…
…find some empathy…
…and most importantly -- stop trying to compare everyone and everything to our own standards.
The Hollywood good looks like…
#MeToo
The Silence Breakers
Schools in Africa
Basic services in Puerto Rico
Fresh water
Ocean clean up
Women and Children Shelters
Gifts -- just because
Returning the Favor
Films that touch lives
Music that speaks for my soul
#TimesUp
Don't argue with me about their "lifestyles" or their "deceit" or their "drug infested lives" -- insert GIANT eye roll emoji here. Just let them be people -- trying to do the best they know how with the tools they have.
And don't throw the "if there was a cockroach in a corner of the cake, would you still eat it" analogy at me. It's false. It's full of lies and holes and it's just plain rude.
No one is perfect.
I definitely have a cockroach in the corner of my cake -- yet I'm not discredited, or vilified at every turn nor is my life scrutinized with the finest magnifying glass.
Do I want to be remembered for the children I yelled at, or the times I was late, or when I didn't do what I said I would, or when I lied or when I really didn't care.
I am just me -- trying to do the best I can -- wanting my voice to be heard.
So today…
…my shirt is black
…Oprah's speech is on my ToDo List
…The Greatest Showman is my playlist for the day
…I'm going to watch a movie
…and… #MeToo
If I had known about #TimesUp before last night at 8:45 pm -- I would have worn black to church.
Why…… so my voice would have echoed with theirs.
I believe -- I need their voice to lift my own so that I can be heard across the valleys and rivers and mountains of the world.
I need those women and men to speak LOUD and STRONG -- they can make global change, create global awareness -- where there was none -- where there should be some.
I need their voices to help me to be brave, strong, fierce, passionate.
I can use my voice to change my world -- and I am -- but I am so grateful for their voices that carry beyond my reach.
Too often we vilify those in Hollywood for their "money", "fame", "conceit", "lack of morals" etc…etc… but really we know NOTHING about those people and who they really are. Nothing.
There is goodness within that world of Hollywood -- so much goodness.
If we would only stop our constant judgement to…
…look a little deeper…
…look -- harder…
…see beyond the mysterious beyond…
…find a point of mutual understanding…
…see the passion in which they live their lives…
…find some empathy…
…and most importantly -- stop trying to compare everyone and everything to our own standards.
The Hollywood good looks like…
#MeToo
The Silence Breakers
Schools in Africa
Basic services in Puerto Rico
Fresh water
Ocean clean up
Women and Children Shelters
Gifts -- just because
Returning the Favor
Films that touch lives
Music that speaks for my soul
#TimesUp
Don't argue with me about their "lifestyles" or their "deceit" or their "drug infested lives" -- insert GIANT eye roll emoji here. Just let them be people -- trying to do the best they know how with the tools they have.
And don't throw the "if there was a cockroach in a corner of the cake, would you still eat it" analogy at me. It's false. It's full of lies and holes and it's just plain rude.
No one is perfect.
I definitely have a cockroach in the corner of my cake -- yet I'm not discredited, or vilified at every turn nor is my life scrutinized with the finest magnifying glass.
Do I want to be remembered for the children I yelled at, or the times I was late, or when I didn't do what I said I would, or when I lied or when I really didn't care.
I am just me -- trying to do the best I can -- wanting my voice to be heard.
So today…
…my shirt is black
…Oprah's speech is on my ToDo List
…The Greatest Showman is my playlist for the day
…I'm going to watch a movie
…and… #MeToo
Sunday, January 7, 2018
i super suck...
... let me rephrase...
I have often tried, but mostly, often, usually, every single other time... have failed...
... one more time... take three...
I really want to like it, but I don't --- and I come to a screeching (THIS IS HORRIBLY BORING!!!!) halt and I feel shame and guilt and then the failure and suckiness is the winner again...
That certainly wasn't better self talk. Goodness.
Let's just go with the.... Truth... (without the loathing)
I don't read the scriptures well, or at all really. I don't really like it and I have no idea how I ever read the entire Book of Mormon.
Part of me wants to read, study, learn things ---- but the other part of me DOES NOT!!!
I'm a skimmer-reader -- I just need the main story line -- details be damned. And GOSH - DARN IT -- it's useless to skim an abridgment -- it's already shortened and the details left are not trees and flowers and smells and how the stupid wind feels -- but the GOSH DARN meat, the important part, the guts.
So --- it's hard - I skim and miss entire events -- I skim and miss persons, places and things that make the story and the DOCTRINE have meaning. I skim and miss the quotes that everyone else rattles off because THEY DIDN'T SKIM OVER IT!!
But.... as some scripture somewhere says (that I certainly skimmed and missed) -- "there is always hope..." or something about hope being not fleeting or hope being from God -- or WHATEVER!
Hope is in the scriptures somewhere...
Hope looks like this....
I have just spent 45 mins actually studying 6 whole paragraphs from the Title Page and Intro and -- HOLY MOLY -- it's actually been so fun.
And I'll probably do it again...
And I'll hopefully not hate it by the time I get to 1 Nephi 3:7...
And I'll be able to retain the doctrine I need to combat the ever oppressing culture I don't need.
So --- I'm headed to paragraph 7....
Thursday, January 4, 2018
…what if…
A social media post.
An innocent video about temple marriage.
A commenter with an ax to grind in a faux-kind way.
Started a thought…
what if…
…instead of claiming the church is wrong and spouting antagonizing verbiage about Joseph Smith and the early leaders of the church…
…instead of blaming the church for the marital problems we experience, which is not the church's fault because we have our agency to love and commit that love to our spouse regardless of the verbiage in the Sealing Ordinance…
…instead, you, Mr. Dude specifically, or basically Anyone and Everyone, started your comments and thoughts on social media with WHAT IF…
what if…
…the culture of the church started emphasizing the need for getting to really know and therefore eternally love your potential spouse before we rush to the temple and those eternally bonding covenants…
…we decided to ask God for help and guidance in understanding the doctrine presented in the temple ordinances…
…we stop relying on man's interpretation and rely on our individual communication with God…
…instead of standing high on a soapbox of "righteousness" -- we started communicating in a way that encompasses the beliefs, feelings and understanding of those we are trying to learn from…
…instead of judgment we chose agency and choice, but most importantly --- individual worth of a soul.
An innocent video about temple marriage.
A commenter with an ax to grind in a faux-kind way.
Started a thought…
what if…
…instead of claiming the church is wrong and spouting antagonizing verbiage about Joseph Smith and the early leaders of the church…
…instead of blaming the church for the marital problems we experience, which is not the church's fault because we have our agency to love and commit that love to our spouse regardless of the verbiage in the Sealing Ordinance…
…instead, you, Mr. Dude specifically, or basically Anyone and Everyone, started your comments and thoughts on social media with WHAT IF…
what if…
…the culture of the church started emphasizing the need for getting to really know and therefore eternally love your potential spouse before we rush to the temple and those eternally bonding covenants…
…we decided to ask God for help and guidance in understanding the doctrine presented in the temple ordinances…
…we stop relying on man's interpretation and rely on our individual communication with God…
…instead of standing high on a soapbox of "righteousness" -- we started communicating in a way that encompasses the beliefs, feelings and understanding of those we are trying to learn from…
…instead of judgment we chose agency and choice, but most importantly --- individual worth of a soul.
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