…me too…

I typed that today -- for the first time -- where others could see.

I think I added a !%^&* before it.

If I didn't -- I should have -- I wanted to -- it needs to be there.

!%^&$# ME TOO!!!

That feels better.


There is an internal struggle -- these 1in 4* women** have that can't really be described in a clear-cut singular emotion.

I think we try for years to pinpoint it -- is it rage? is it basic anger? is it disgust? is it sadness? is it despondent? is it grief? is it despair?

It's none of those specifically, but all of those combined.

All of the time.


Also throw in the shame, distrust, lack of self-worth, confusion, hurt, pain, lack of peace, anxiety, depression -- again, not just one of those -- but ALL of those.

All of the time.

It's heavy. So heavy. Almost too heavy.

It weighs you down, it gets dragged behind you.

Everyday. All day. Relentless. Ever present.


The heavy bogs up the joy, laughter, peace, hope, love and life.

It fills the empty spaces with doubt, confusion, worry, panic, fear.

It consumes -- like a black hole -- sucking the very life out of the universe, out of space.

Out of your soul.


But do you know what the WORST part is --- the HAREST part --- the part that OVERWHELMS you?


silence


















I have to do something about the silence.

Shout it from the rooftops? Create a billboard? Rent a blimp? Hire a sky-wirter? Get a tatoo?

Are any of those enough? It doesn't feel like it. It feels hopeless -- like nothing will be enough.


Huh -- a thought just came to me… literally just popped into my head as I was typing…


…my voice…


…my voice can break the silence…


…deep breath…


I was sexually abused from the ages of 6 years old to 11 years old by cousins that lived next door to me. A male cousin, 2 female cousins and the dad of those cousins.

I was not alowed to talk about it to anyone. I tried my best to be brave. I tried to protect my younger sisters, but was unsuccessful.

I was told to love them anyway because they were family -- and you should love and trust family.

I am a surviver of childhood sexual abuse.

My voice will break the silence…

…and so can yours…

*it's probably more like 1 in 2 -- let's be real
**just assume there are men in this group too, but I only know a woman's point of view, so I'm going to speak about them

…i would have…

…worn BLACK…

If I had known about #TimesUp before last night at 8:45 pm -- I would have worn black to church.

Why…… so my voice would have echoed with theirs. 

I believe -- I need their voice to lift my own so that I can be heard across the valleys and rivers and mountains of the world.

I need those women and men to speak LOUD and STRONG -- they can make global change, create global awareness -- where there was none -- where there should be some.

I need their voices to help me to be brave, strong, fierce, passionate.

I can use my voice to change my world -- and I am -- but I am so grateful for their voices that carry beyond my reach.


Too often we vilify those in Hollywood for their "money", "fame", "conceit", "lack of morals" etc…etc… but really we know NOTHING about those people and who they really are. Nothing.

There is goodness within that world of Hollywood -- so much goodness.

If we would only stop our constant judgement to…
…look a little deeper…
…look -- harder…
…see beyond the mysterious beyond…
…find a point of mutual understanding…
…see the passion in which they live their lives…
…find some empathy…
…and most importantly -- stop trying to compare everyone and everything to our own standards.

The Hollywood good looks like…
#MeToo
The Silence Breakers
Schools in Africa
Basic services in Puerto Rico
Fresh water
Ocean clean up
Women and Children Shelters
Gifts -- just because
Returning the Favor
Films that touch lives
Music that speaks for my soul
#TimesUp


Don't argue with me about their "lifestyles" or their "deceit" or their "drug infested lives" -- insert GIANT eye roll emoji here. Just let them be people -- trying to do the best they know how with the tools they have.

And don't throw the "if there was a cockroach in a corner of the cake, would you still eat it" analogy at me. It's false. It's full of lies and holes and it's just plain rude.

No one is perfect. 

I definitely have a cockroach in the corner of my cake -- yet I'm not discredited, or vilified at every turn nor is my life scrutinized with the finest magnifying glass.

Do I want to be remembered for the children I yelled at, or the times I was late, or when I didn't do what I said I would, or when I lied or when I really didn't care.

I am just me -- trying to do the best I can -- wanting my voice to be heard.

So today…
…my shirt is black
…Oprah's speech is on my ToDo List
…The Greatest Showman is my playlist for the day
…I'm going to watch a movie
…and… #MeToo

i super suck...

... let me rephrase... 

I have often tried, but mostly, often, usually, every single other time... have failed...

... one more time... take three...

I really want to like it, but I don't --- and I come to a screeching (THIS IS HORRIBLY BORING!!!!) halt and I feel shame and guilt and then the failure and suckiness is the winner again...

That certainly wasn't better self talk. Goodness. 

Let's just go with the.... Truth... (without the loathing)

I don't read the scriptures well, or at all really. I don't really like it and I have no idea how I ever read the entire Book of Mormon. 

Part of me wants to read, study, learn things ---- but the other part of me DOES NOT!!! 

I'm a skimmer-reader -- I just need the main story line -- details be damned. And GOSH - DARN IT -- it's useless to skim an abridgment -- it's already shortened and the details left are not trees and flowers and smells and how the stupid wind feels -- but the GOSH DARN meat, the important part, the guts. 

So --- it's hard - I skim and miss entire events -- I skim and miss persons, places and things that make the story and the DOCTRINE have meaning. I skim and miss the quotes that everyone else rattles off because THEY DIDN'T SKIM OVER IT!!

But.... as some scripture somewhere says (that I certainly skimmed and missed) -- "there is always hope..." or something about hope being not fleeting or hope being from God -- or WHATEVER!  

Hope is in the scriptures somewhere...

Hope looks like this.... 

I have just spent 45 mins actually studying 6 whole paragraphs from the Title Page and Intro and -- HOLY MOLY -- it's actually been so fun. 

And I'll probably do it again...

And I'll hopefully not hate it by the time I get to 1 Nephi 3:7...

And I'll be able to retain the doctrine I need to combat the ever oppressing culture I don't need. 

So --- I'm headed to paragraph 7.... 

…what if…

A social media post.

An innocent video about temple marriage.

A commenter with an ax to grind in a faux-kind way.

Started a thought…


what if…

…instead of claiming the church is wrong and spouting antagonizing verbiage about Joseph Smith and the early leaders of the church…

…instead of blaming the church for the marital problems we experience, which is not the church's fault because we have our agency to love and commit that love to our spouse regardless of the verbiage in the Sealing Ordinance…

…instead, you, Mr. Dude specifically, or basically Anyone and Everyone, started your comments and thoughts on social media with WHAT IF…


what if…

…the culture of the church started emphasizing the need for getting to really know and therefore eternally love your potential spouse before we rush to the temple and those eternally bonding covenants…

…we decided to ask God for help and guidance in understanding the doctrine presented in the temple ordinances…

…we stop relying on man's interpretation and rely on our individual communication with God…

…instead of standing high on a soapbox of "righteousness" -- we started communicating in a way that encompasses the beliefs, feelings and understanding of those we are trying to learn from…

…instead of judgment we chose agency and choice, but most importantly --- individual worth of a soul.