We need space…

…for loss…

As the world feels like it's been turned upside down, we are coming together as a society even though we can't actually come together. And I am eternally grateful. So, so grateful.

Music has been shared.
Ideas have been gathered.

We have served with kindness.
We have tried to find another way to live, communicate, and thrive.

There is encouragement.
There is an underlying level of hope.

There is also loss.
So. Much. Loss.

But is there space to express our loss?
Are we giving ourselves permission to feel the grief over the immense loss we are all experiencing?

Are we deciding that there are lesser and greater levels of loss and ours isn't enough loss to count?
Is there shame-filled self-talk creating untruths that we are believing about our personal loss?


If it's important to you - IT MATTERS - period. And the loss of whatever mattered to you should have a space to be expressed.

But we're not expressing it.

We are trying to "stay positive" - "express gratitude that it's not worse" - "help our fellow men" - and it's good - that's all really, really good.

Everything has a light and shadow to it: rain floods and gives life, snow crushes and is full of play, sun burns and breathes life into the earth.

If we fail to acknowledge the shadow of things, then I feel that we miss an important piece of the learning. We miss the opposition that allows the light to really shine and stick where it needs to.


My Shadows. My Loss.

I didn't realize that the daily silence of my semi-empty-nester home was actually feeding my soul and helping me to calm the constant pull of my brain to keep DOING. Do more, do better, do quicker, do smarter - so much doing in my brain that was being quieted by the silence and the ability to hear the beating of my heart.

I was listening to my heart, changing patterns, learning, modifying my thoughts to be more inline with what my heart was telling me. It was working and I was discovering the methods I need to thrive instead of just survive.

Now my house is full. It's noisy. There is panic. There are unknowns.
Now my brain is full. It's noisy. There is panic. There are unknowns.

I love my people with my whole heart. I'm glad they are happy and safe here and that this is a place they can always be themselves. They get what they need; love, affection, humor, acceptance. I am grateful -- really, truly grateful.

But there is also loss. Great loss. I've had to find a different way to listen to my heart. I've had to adapt and struggle to not revert back to old patterns of behavior that stifle my thrive - behaviors that ignore my heart.

I have to work so much harder for the silence that was a gift just a few moments ago. It's tiring. It's hard work. My desire and need for silence is important to me - IT MATTERS! And now there is loss.


My heart was crushed when my sweet daughter came in sobbing because her wedding plans were blown up. She had worked so hard to conquer her anxiety and create an event that would bring her joy. She had prayed and asked her heart hard questions. She had discovered what she needed and had bravely asked for those pieces to be present. She made choice after choice after choice. She did so great!! She was proud of herself and she had triumphed over her own shadows.

And in a moment, everything changed and all of those previous painstaking choices were null and void -- as though they didn't matter -- her efforts and learning didn't matter. Instead, there was constant change, chaos, and uncontrollable limbo. So many unanswered questions, so many details to change, so many decisions to remake -- so much complete loss.

Through tears she said, "I didn't know I wanted to be the center of attention for just one moment." This coming from my shy, anxiety-filled daughter who usually stays comfortably in the shadows. Oh how she deserves that moment in the spotlight!! The celebration of a marriage is important - it shines brightly - love flows freely -- she wanted to be wrapped up in that shine and love.

My Mother heart is breaking for her and her real, true loss. This is important to her - IT MATTERS! It matters without comparison to any other loss that anyone else has.


I was given a hard challenge by my therapist to learn how to play. To discover play that does not have the hat of "taking care of others" or "the easiest/cheapest plan" or "we'll do what's best for the group" -- but personal play that was just for me, Mary. Not Mom Mary, or Daughter Mary, or Wife Mary, or Helper Mary, or Fixit Mary - just Mary, the one with the dimples, dark hair, and a heart that is learning to live.

I didn't know how I was going to accomplish this - too much, too overwhelming, too many choices.

Then a miracle - an inspired friend, who was also being brave, said - "Do you want to meet me in New York?"

I LOVE the idea of wandering the streets of New York and watching the people. Figuring out how it all moves in sync, how it all connects together to form this rush of energy. I LOVE the art of Broadway, the talent both on the stage and behind the scenes. It's fascinating. It's PLAY.

Could I? Should I? My heart leapt at the thought -- and then my head started making 1,000 excuses as to why I couldn't and shouldn't. I struggled with myself, my head overpowering what my heart needed -- and then, finally, trusting my heart to know what I needed to heal -- and learn to play.

As I was checking the flights and agonizing over the choices, I kept backing out and trying again - backing out and trying again. Keep breathing Mary, you got this!

The tickets got purchased, the hotel was booked, and the show tickets bought. Whew!! I was so EXCITED!!! I was DOING THIS!! I was PLAYING!!

Never had I gone anywhere where I only had to take care of myself, where there was no one else to keep track of, no one else to have to please with my choices. My companion is a capable adult whose knowledge, experience, and friendship, would only add to the joy of this opportunity to play. What an incredible gift I was giving myself - I was trying on this PLAY thing full out - I'm all in - watch out NY, I'm on my way!!! So much excitement!!

Then there was loss.

Loss I can't control. Loss that didn't ask my permission. Loss that didn't offer up any other non-loss options. Loss with no choice.

I had worked so hard - listened to my heart - stopped my head from winning - I was choosing Mary.

I WAS CHOOSING MARY!!

I have to say that louder for the voices in the back of my head that are now screaming -- I TOLD YOU SO - NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE - YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.

This loss instantly feels so defeating -- like "you shouldn't even have tried." The loss is getting louder by the day and I need a space to give it a voice so it can lose some of it's deafening and defeating power.

I am so incredibly SAD about this trip!! I really, really want to take off all of the hats that Mary wears and just be herself for four days. I want to discover who she is when she gets to thrive and choose for herself. To walk through an airport at whatever pace I want. Stop and look at the stores and the signs and the people who have stories and lives. Who is Mary when there are no expectations and no obligations other than breathing and soaking in the life around her? Answering that question is important to me - IT MATTERS!!

So much loss. It's heartbreaking and soul crushing.


So do me, and yourself, a favor - before you tell me that there will be more silence, the wedding will be fine, and the trip can be taken in the future…

Feel my loss. Feel the loss of my sweet daughter. Feel the loss of the high school seniors. Feel the loss of the kindergarten children. Feel the loss of jobs. Feel the loss of life. Feel the loss of security. Feel the loss of normalcy. Feel the loss of comfort. Feel the loss of choice.

Take a moment and give yourself permission to feel your own loss. They are great. There are things that are important to you - THEY MATTER! Your loss matters and I'm sorry you are hurting.

Lean into the loss - feel the pain - understand it's depth. It's ok - you won't drown, you won't get lost in it, and it won't stay too long.

Because there is light.

There is light in a new day. There is light in breath. There is light in a different choice.

There is light in a new plan for play in New York. There is light in a smaller wedding that will still celebrate this sweet couple. There is light in finding silence on the back porch.

By giving space for loss - there is also more space for light.

Easter Talk…

…here is HOPE.

This is a talk I gave on Easter Sunday 2019. At the end of my talk I ended with my testimony by singing Here Is Hope. The lyrics are included here - but the Rob Gardner recording is incredibly beautiful. Completely worth the listen.

In order to talk about what I know and how I feel about the Resurrection - I need to share a little about my spiritual journey. 

There comes a time in each of our lives where we need to do what I call “rebuild our spirituality”. That action, that rebuilding, looks different for everyone. The catalyst for spiritual rebuilding is individual. Rebuilding our spirituality allows each of us to learn, grow, listen, find, change, but most importantly choose. I can only speak and share what that rebuilding looks like for me.

From my earliest memories, I have created a spiritual tower — and in my mind it looks like a tower built with the wooden building blocks from kindergarten — labeled with testimony, Holy Ghost, temples, prophets, tithing, family, love, Heavenly Father, Jesus, modesty, right/wrong, perfection, judgement, service, and selflessness — and so many others. 

For the most part, this original tower has served me well, until it wasn’t — until I didn’t really know what I had in my tower, why it was there, or how I was using it. 

It tumbled - the whole tower crashed down to the ground. What I had known about my spirituality was scattered - every piece was upended and in disarray. I felt lost, abandoned, disillusioned, and spiritually weary. 

I didn’t know the perfect answer to my spiritual disaster, I didn’t know where to start healing, and I didn’t know if I would be successful if I tried. Through all the worry, there was one thought that kept me from running away and ignoring those blocks all over the ground.

HOPE in Jesus Christ.

“He is not here; he has risen, as he said.”  — that is HOPE is Jesus Christ.

“He is not here, BUT is risen.” — that is HOPE in Jesus Christ.

This HOPE in Jesus Christ has given me the courage to start to rebuild my spiritual tower with Jesus Christ as the foundational piece. And HOPE being the very next block.

I’m sure some of you are thinking — duh — of course that is the way to do it — we talk about it, we sing about it, we should know that. Jesus Christ is our sure foundation.

Sure, maybe I did know it — but did I feel it. Did I feel the peace, strength, and HOPE that only the Savior of the world can provide? 

That is why rebuilding my spiritual tower now is so different, I’m using my agency to choose where the pieces go, and to choose what is most important to me. I’m using personal revelation to feel and understand and build a spiritual tower that is all mine. It doesn’t look like anyone else — and that’s the way it should be.

With that new spiritual tower in my mind and with Jesus Christ as the foundation, I looked at both the word Resurrection and the event of the Resurrection. How did I feel about the event? What was the most important part to me?

The story of the Resurrection is beautiful and engaging and I loved the account in Jesus The Christ. I have never even cracked that book open, fearing that the big words and details would be overwhelming to me and I would learn nothing. I took Phillip’s advice and read most of Chapter 37, The Resurrection and the Ascension. Try it. It’s not too much. It paints a story of love, kindness, compassion, sisterhood, brotherhood, but most of all HOPE.

For me, the soldiers and the angels at the tomb tell of HOPE. 

The women coming to anoint the body of Jesus, but finding nothing but an angel of God speaks of HOPE. 

The disciples rushing to the tomb to find only pieces of cloth looks like HOPE. 

Sweet Mary staying behind to mourn her loss, but being comforted by angels shows HOPE. 

Jesus Christ showing so much love and compassion for Mary - “Woman, why weepest thou?” he asks — then showing himself to her to ease her broken heart — that is a PROMISE of HOPE.

The Resurrection equals HOPE. The Resurrection is the pure love of our Savior -- to us. In my mind, when I hear or see the word resurrection, I only see the Son of God, loving us unconditionally. I see his face and feel his love and HOPE.

The HOPE of the Resurrection can be testified to each of us in many different ways. It’s uniqueness and individuality, is what makes the Resurrection of Jesus Christ so beautiful, so poignant, so sacred to each of us.

If you have lost a child or a spouse — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you comfort.

If you have suffered at the hand of another — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you healing.

If you are struggling with depression or anxiety — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you guidance.

If the confusion between culture and doctrine is causing doubt and heart anguish — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you peace.

If you are looking for answers — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you knowledge.

If you are fighting to learn of the power of agency — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you strength.

If you are beginning to believe that you have value, that you are worthy just like you are — the HOPE of the Resurrection can bring you love.

That’s what I know on this Easter Sunday — HOPE in Jesus Christ will save us.

I KNOW that the Savior of the World loves each one of us, today, right now, exactly how we are. The HOPE he provides will help us to rise when we fall, feel when we are empty, love when we are in pain, and find a glimmer of hope when we feel all is lost.

We can feel his hope today, HERE.

As part of my spiritual rebuilding I have looked for ways to feel the Savior more in my life. I’ve been searching for signs of HOPE to help myself connect it all together in my heart. In Rob Gardner’s Lamb Of God, there is a beautiful song sung by Mary, the mother of Jesus entitled — Here is Hope. As I listened to his concert last week, the words of this song touched my soul and made HOPE come alive for me. Not only is this song talking about the love and sacrifice the Savior made for us then - but I also think it can apply to the here and now. 

Here is HOPE. HERE the Savior can heal our sorrows and carry our burdens. He and the HOPE he brings is our victory. Here, today, the resurrection of the Savior of the World can bring us light and life. 

He is HOPE. 

Here is HOPE.

Here is Hope - from Rob Gardner’s “Lamb of God”

He who healed our sorrows

Here was bruised and broken.

He whose love no end knows

Here was forsaken,

Left all alone.

Here despair cries boldly,

Claiming this its vict’ry.

Sweeter peace enfolds me:

Hope did not die here,

But here was given.

Here is Hope.

He who was rejected,

He knows well my longing

He, so long expected

Carried our burdens,

Bore ev’ry sorrow:

Here, here, here is Hope!

Spoken:

Here is love unbounded,

Here is all compassion,

Here is mercy founded!

Hope did not die here,

But here was given;

And ours is the vict’ry.

Here is Hope.

Personal Revelation is…

…personal.


This is a Sacrament Meeting talk I gave in the 76th Ward in April 2019. Phillip needed a companion speaker and he asked me. It was an honor and a privilege.

Posting this feels a lot more vulnerable than speaking to an entire congregation, but if we don't practice vulnerability, then we will never learn what it looks like and feels like for us.

I am grateful to be here, though I do wish you were all under 12 or I was singing, then my confidence would wax strong.

The two main points I want to make today are:

1)Personal revelation is PERSONAL. It’s between me and God. He wants to provide me with what I need.

2)Personal revelation is PERSONAL. It will not look like anyone else’s and that is God’s intent. There is no room for comparison in personal revelation.

Too often we wait for the beautifully crafted General Conference quotes created by well intended saints that are plastered all over Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. Those quotes, though effective and true, might not be what you personally need. They might not be the revelation that God has in store for you. Just like with faith and testimony, we cannot and should not rely on the revelation of others to build our, personal spiritual foundation.

Of course we need help and guidance and ideas and starting points from others. We are each here on this earth to share with one another how we feel and what we know. We want to encourage each other and have our hearts connect on a spiritual level. That feels right, and increases our strength. Those are really great places to start. But we need to develop revelation that is personal to us.

Back to General Conference ---- To find the personal revelation that I seek, I have a goal to re-read each general conference talk and take the time to search for the pieces of personal revelation that I need in my life. The pieces I choose are going to be different than yours. This goal can take as long as I need and I can repeat it as often as I need. I might try searching for a specific theme, idea, or topic that is weighing on my mind and heart. 

For me, right now - that would be prayer. What I need to learn and know about prayer — is not what you need to know about prayer right now. I need to learn, feel, and connect with God through prayer, but I need help getting there.

You might be confident and comfortable with how, when, and where you pray. You might already know and be able to communicate with our Heavenly Parents in a way that you can feel their love and in a way that you can feel the strength of our Savior as you close a prayer in his name. I’m not there yet. 

I have a difficult time connecting with the traditional method of prayer. It feels forced and formal and that if I don’t do it exactly right, then it’s not going to work. That belief has nothing to do with my faith, obedience, righteousness or desire. I have finally stopped beating myself up for struggling so much with it and constantly comparing myself with others and how they feel about prayer. I get to use my agency and learn how to pray in a way that I can feel God’s love for me. I’m looking for personal revelation about prayer.

I have a constant prayer in my heart. I like to call them heart whispers. I have a deal with God that he KNOWS that I am listening as much as I’m able for His guidance and help — though my knees never hit the floor and my arms seldom fold in the traditional sense, and I am not able to enter any secret closets. 

I have been earnestly looking for guidance and personal revelation to better understand the power of prayer. I found it in the most unexpected place. 

Jan, a friend not of our faith, said a prayer via text that was incredibly heartfelt and humble. I KNEW that God heard every word she wrote. I could feel it in my soul. Every word was directly from her heart and that prayer spoke to my spirit in a way that I am eternally grateful for.

This is what she typed:

Heavenly Father - we are all beautiful works in progress. Today I ask that you show each of my survivor sisters a beautiful piece of themselves that might have been hidden by our fears and sadness. Lord these women are brave and strong beyond words. I ask that you bless each one of them with peace beyond measure. In Your Holy and precious name. Amen.

I needed that prayer that day. I have never had the experience of someone (other than myself) pray especially for me. That experience changed how I viewed prayer. She made it personal. She made it heartfelt. She made it mean something. It was humble and meek and full of all the love she had for me and the other women she was praying for.

God told me through personal revelation that the sweet simplicity of that prayer was what I was so desperately searching for. It also told me that I needed to practice that kind of genuine prayer that had no formality, or form, but was filled will love and a desire to communicate with my Heavenly Parents. So I practiced. These same women were struggling on a different day many weeks later and I prayed for them in our text thread. For the first time in a long while, I was able to feel that God heard my prayer and that he was proud of my learning, my efforts, and putting my personal revelation into play.

The beauty of the new Come Follow Me study guide is that it’s all about personal revelation. It never tells me what I should learn, or what I am “supposed” to learn, but it gives me guidance and ideas and this allows me to use my agency to find what I need right now. It specifically states at the beginning of each week - RECORD YOUR IMPRESSIONS. What a gift that is! What a privilege it is to use my agency to search for and then choose the teaching from the scriptures that I need right now — that is my personal revelation.

For these last two weeks the Come Follow Me theme was “Thou Art the Christ”. As I glance through the specific topics I can use my desire for personal revelation to guide me to what is most important for me right now. 

1- A Testimony of Jesus Christ comes by Revelation — that is important to me as I rebuild my spirituality tower with Jesus Christ being the foundation.

2-What happened on the Mount of Transfiguration? I’m sure that’s important, but I honestly don’t care right now. And my agency allows that to be ok for me.

3-What are the “keys of the kingdom of heaven”? Meh — I don’t need that right now either — but you might and that’s ok — the gift of agency. 

4-“When seeking greater faith, I must first hold on to the faith I already have.” THIS — This is what I’m looking for to rebuild my spiritual tower, to figure out where faith fits in that tower and how I need to use it. I need personal revelation on faith.

Personal revelation is PERSONAL.

Circling back to General Conference, in April 2018, President Nelson, gave a talk on revelation and I read through it yesterday --- and with this talk in mind, choose a few pieces of personal revelation that I need today, right now, this week.This is what I found:

1)Choose to do the spiritual work required to enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost.

2)The privilege of receiving revelation is one of the greatest gifts of God to His children. 

3)Imagine the miracle of it! ------ In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

50...

... Yep... 50...

It sounded so daunting. 

It sounded like my life should be already put together. 

It sounded like a big deal. So I should make it a big deal, right?!

I had an idea. I made a big week long plan in my head - I even said it out loud so that it would come true. Looked up the info, started to make decisions. 

I wanted to go somewhere big, make a statement - prove to myself (and to others, honestly) that I could LIVE LIFE!

But I’ve learned recently, that anytime I have to prove ANYTHING to anyone else - I might be on the wrong track. I might be trying to yet again hustle for my worth. 

That’s the pattern of the last 49 years and a refuse to walk that path for one more minute. Not one. 

The truth is - I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. Ever. 

I am enough today and everyday.

So my big plans turned into silence - not the wallowing kind - more like solitude - the healthy kind of silence.

I spent the last week without any responsibilities even though I still did laundry - twice.  

I spent the last week without the burden of expectations. No one needed me. 

I spent a few days connecting with a dear friend and filling my soul with her love as she willingly spent her time and money with me. I cherish that time and the peace I felt with her. 

But what would I do with today — the day that 50 would be forced upon me without my say. 

I wallowed for a brief moment. Ever so brief. 

Comparison almost took a hold of my spirit and drowned it in a river of sorrow and despair. 

Did I do this right? I didn’t have much of a story to tell about my year 50 celebration. What would people think? That I didn’t care? That my family didn’t care? 

Did I think I had not earned a celebration? Did I somewhere deep down feel like I didn’t deserve one?

STOP IT!!!!!!! I yelled on the treadmill in the hotel fitness center. 

Just STOP IT!!!

The wallowing stopped. I took a deep breath and kept on walking. I looked out the window at the pool and started planning when I would go down, what I would bring, and how long I should stay.

It was empty — as it had been all week — and I could once again look forward to the solitude that has been filling my soul all week.

Since I didn’t waste anytime wallowing, I had a few moments to contemplate the future - not just any future — not my family’s future — not the future of those I love — MY future. 

My future might contain the following — if I choose:

Learn. I’ve always doubted my ability to remember what I have learned and it has stopped me from trying. Not anymore. 

Love. There are so many ways to experience and express love. I want to practice these two ideas: Love is Always the Answer and I Accept the Love I Think I Deserve. 

Choice. This is my core - my new truth - and I will keep talking about the gift that choice is - God’s greatest gift. 

Trust. This is new. I don’t get it yet. There is much more to understand. But my soul feels like it’s vital to truly living. 

50 was/is fabulous! Today was a great day of sun and solitude. Two of my favorites. 

HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY to me!! 

…the haven retreat…

…was a bit of heaven on earth…


My soul was filled.

My burden lifted.

My life forever changed.


I have the desire to remember every detail:

…the smiles on the faces of my friends
     …their laughter that brought light to my soul
         …my intense heartbreak at their stories
             …the lifelong connection

…the learning and knowledge I received
    …the details about the trauma brain
         …the tools of change that were presented
              …the strength in knowing I can

…the beauty, both inside and out
    …the sound of the foyer fountain
        …the glare of the white snow
            …the peace that every wall and window provided


I asked myself 3 questions on my flight home:
What I Learned?
What I Felt?
What to Share?

These are my rapid-fire, heart felt answers…


I Learned:
• that I am truly worthy of healing
• that I have the strength to change my neuropathways and give goodness a voice
• that I can look for the peace and safety in the walls of the temple. I can find safe shelter there
• of the ability to teach my brain and body to slow down and connect
• that I can learn and practice new tools
• that knowing I need to do more work is ok and will lead to healthy healing
• that sharing is caring
• about the power of inner peace, what that looks like and what that sounds like from the examples of The Haven Retreat Staff Members. They were walking angels.
• that mountains are climbed step by step and no step is too small
• I am worth of sharing my story
• I deserve a safe sisterhood
• that I deserve to feel strong and empowered
• to be grateful for the hard
• to be brave in my gratitude


I Felt:
• the healing power of God
• like I was surrounded by sacred, holy walls that were created specifically for safety and healing
• I have finally given myself permission to bring my body and spirit together to heal
• loved and cherished and cared for
• peace in my soul
• true gratitude for what my story has taught me
• spiritual and soul-esc strength
• the shackles of Shame lifted
• honored to be a survivor
• guided by myself and by God
• heard and understood
• accepted where I am today
• gratitude for each wall sconce, art piece, stair, chair, pillow, window sill -- every solid piece of home in which we participated in The Haven Retreat



I Can Share:
• the power of mindfulness
• the tools of grounding to help with anxiety
• the power of connection and engage in it's healing power
• empowerment
• my love with others
• my light and healing tools
• the feeling of peace


There is more, so much more -- but I give myself permission to add onto this list at any moment of any day.

One of the final messages I received was this:

What a miracle these four days were for me.

I have been changed for good.


If your life story includes the devastating experience of childhood sexual abuse, The Haven Retreat would be a great place to either begin or continue your journey to personal healing. 

You can find more information about this incredible opportunity at: https://youniquefoundation.org/the-haven-retreat/

My body is…

…beautiful and I'm trying really hard to feel that in my soul.

It's not working very well.

And there is a gosh darn WAR waging in my spinning head.

I can tell myself "My body is beautiful" over and over and over and believe it for half a minute.

I can even consciously choose to not diet or "watch what I eat" or count calories or anything that would even RESEMBLE a diet.

I can make a choice and KNOW that setting a firm boundary with myself about no diet is the right thing for me.

I believe food is my friend.

I might even believe that food is for my good.

Yet……

As I scroll through facebook, I scroll slower on random diet ads.
I looked up Noom.
I almost clicked on a Keto Pill.
I pondered looking up The South Beach Diet because that is what my Dad's cardiologist recommended.
I recently considered a fast.

WHY!?!?!?!?!? Why can't I stop the searching and wondering and wishing and glancing and what if-ing?

You might think the above "why" is a loud primal scream that is empowering and full of determination and gosh darn "just stop it already" grit.

But really -- that "why" is over flowing with silent tears.  Over flowing.

My head decides and then spins out. Regroups and then veers off. Commits then get lost in a panic.

Maybe the answer lies somewhere in the origin story.

Maybe the answer lies somewhere in the distorted truths I believe.

Both sound scary. Both sound hard. Both look dark and stormy.

I'm going to try both -- I asked God and he directed me here -- I'm going to give him a shot.

******
My first memory of "you have to change your body" or "your body is not ok like it is" or "you've got to lose weight" is when I was 11 and went on my first diet or at least was completely aware that there were now food restrictions for me. Can't eat that, don't eat this, that's too much, choose something else, and that's not for you.

I'll stop right here and say four things:
Yes, this was under my parents direction.
No, it wasn't ok. Not ok at all. Still not ok.
Yes, they were doing the best they knew how.
There is no judgement here, only facts -- don't get them confused.

And from that moment that I was 11 -- every single morsel of food has been debated in my head.

Will it be too much? Is it the right thing? Should I choose differently? I'm sure this isn't the right choice. Is THIS on the diet? Is THAT on the diet? Will this morsel destroy some delicate balance in my body and DESTROY any efforts to shed weight. (Huh -- "delicate balance," I'm going to have to come back to this)  This food is definitely BAD for me. This food will hurt me. This food will cause destruction to my body's natural state. You'll pay for that bite. You've promised yourself. You're going to fail if you choose wrong. You'll never win.

I spend a lot of my eating time trying to drown out that noise. Or sometimes I think I try to smother it with the food I'm eating. I think this is where the WAR comes into play. There is a literal, internal fight.


Going back to age 11. I watched myself and my parents go on and go off of diet after diet after diet after diet. Food was restricted. Placed in timeout. Nutrition was confused with diet -- meaning nutritious foods were only diet foods and diet foods were the only nutritious foods.

I don't even I think I know what nutrition is or really how it could possibly be a positive. Aren't nutritionists just fancy taskmasters that control and restrict your food choices. This 49 year old thinks so.

And the dieting -- it had to be perfect. It was either perfection or failure.


Truth - no 11 year old should be put on a diet. Ever. Ever.

Or 13 year old, or 18 year old, or about to be married year old.


Distorted truth - this body I was sent here with is not ok like it is. This body is weak and broken and won't be able to naturally exist.

Confusing truth - I wanted to be just like my Grandma who I'm sure never dieted a day in her life and died being VERY mad that she couldn't have cake when she wanted. We should have just let her have cake!!

My Grandma cooked, served, created, worked, loved, ate potatoes, and shopped. She had a closet full of beautiful clothes and a floor full of shoes. She had a stash of Oreos, cans and cans of Vienna Sausages, and a freezer full of ice cream and frozen Snickers. She had Trix in the cupboard and homegrown tomatoes on the counter. She read, quilted, had parties, visited friends. She traveled all over the world, and had such great, great adventures. Her body did all that. Her body was amazing and absolutely beautiful.

The confusion comes when a little girl wants to do all those things, but is taught that she has to have the right kind of body for that, or that her size will restrict her enjoyment of life. Grandma didn't believe that. Grandma's size never held her back. That is confusing.


This origin story is sad. It really is sad. Sad and scary. If I could go back, I'd let that 11 year old choose for herself what her body needed. She was smart, very smart. She would have figured it out. She would have eaten the food that spoke to her soul. She would have learned. She would have tried it out. She would have been successful.

She was in trauma. She was just trying to survive. So much added pressure of diets, food restrictions, do's and don'ts, good food verses bad food, and perfection/failure.

The distorted truths stuck. Like glue. They laid claim on her soul and they are relentless in their need to occupy.

The truth I want to know in every cell: My body is beautiful exactly like it is. Exactly like it is.

I might be able to see that truth in the distance or at least shadows of it. It calls to me, beckons, but I can't seem to find my way to it. It slips in and out of my view like a vision catching on the wind and rising until it's out of sight.

If I make a place for it in my soul, can I keep it? Can that truth rest here with me?

My body is beautiful.

My heart is open.

Please let it stay.

…I VOTED!…

…and I'm very glad I can.

I’m sad to admit that this was the first year I’ve ever done serious candidate research. I know, I know, stone me later. I have repented and will NOT let another election go by where I don’t research and try to find out what these candidates, who are supposedly representing me, feel and believe on the issues that I feel are important. 

I was not impressed with the actual LACK of information I could find. I spent 8 hours digging through the clutter of the webpages and rhetoric and it was disappointing and sad. I should have spent more time. I didn’t know I NEEDED to spend more time. The system is flawed. As inspiring as it is, and as grateful as I am for it, it is flawed and it doesn’t have to be.

So let me pen an open letter to all political candidates or future candidates.

Dear “Trying to get my Vote”,

• As your constituent or future constituent it should be very easy for me to type in your name, click on your campaign website and know ALL THE THINGS. Most of you incumbents gave me nothing, no real thoughts on the issues, and I feel like you just assumed I was going to vote for you. No old white dude, not so. To add to the webpage disgust I experienced, a lot of your webspace was filled with your opponents thoughts. Bad form, very bad form.

• I also hesitate to read your website if it has a glaring “THEY ARE WRONG” quote and photo of your opposition as the first thing I see. What are you trying to accomplish? It just feels so petty and fueled by ignorance. Bad form again.

• I don’t watch your television ads, especially if they are filled with yelly quotes about your opponent or if they are 90% “evil is here” black & white photos rolling by with slew of “He said/She said” quotes. Save your money and use it on your website to give me your thoughts. See previous TWO bullet points.

• If all of your opinions on the issues use the same polarizing phrases as every other candidate in your party - I’ll pass. I’ll pass by so far, that I won’t even look your direction. You’ve lost me to your ridiculous rhetoric. I really want to know what YOU think. Give me your personal heartfelt opinions. I already know what your party thinks and as a whole, I don’t like any of my options at the moment, so give me something MORE than their repetitive phrases. Use your smarts I’m supposedly electing you for.

• For Example: Don’t just say BUILD A WALL (and yes you ARE yelling it too much, way, way too much) or IMMIGRATION REFORM (yes, you seem to yell that too, like I can’t hear you or that your loudness will make it more important to me), if you are not going to back it up with reasons WHY you think that both of those are important issues and again, I’m begging you to use your brain and your words. Why will a wall help in the long run? Can you give me facts that support your claim that it’s necessary. Immigration reform is more than a wall, more than sending troops to the border, more than 5,000 asylum seekers. It IS important and I want to to give me facts and figures and have a conversation where you are willing to hear other points of view and possibly talk about considering other solutions.

• STOP constantly voting party lines as though you have no opinion and as though you have no backbone. It just make you look weak and brainless. We are more diverse than strictly two parties. Let me repeat. We are more diverse than strictly two parties.

• I’m calling these two OUT!! Martha and Kyrsten your cat fighting was embarrassing, repulsive, and completely uncalled for. If there had been a plausible write in candidate, they would have got my vote. You can be strong-willed and powerful women who are good at what you do without name calling and back stabbing and doing ALL THE THINGS we teach our little girls and little boys not to do. STOP IT. Stop trying to make how you handled this election look empowering or that you are on the good side of feminism or women’s rights. I am barely giving you a second look for the next election, so do something kind and compassionate and try to show me who you really are.

• Each of you had better consider Campaign Reform. I do not know enough about Clean Elections Contributions or what that really means, but I want to know. And I want you to STOP GETTING PAID for your political votes. I don’t know what you call this, but I call it UNAMERICAN. Stop being funded by big corporations that give you access and cutbacks and whatever else they slide to you under the table. Both sides do this and It’s awful and dishonest.

• I was more impressed by Johnny Martin’s homemade videos where he shared his personal view about the issues, than I was of anything else I saw on any other candidates website. Be more like Johnny.

I voted. I’m very thankful that I live in a country that will allow that privilege. 

I voted. I’m sad that it was so hard to find the information that was needed.

I voted. I chose new-comers and diversity and that felt right and good.