Every year as my birthday comes closer I find myself unwittingly doing an enormous amount of self-reflection. It’s a painful, but healing process and I get to hold the paradox of that experience.
Some years I am lonely, some years I feel a heavy regret, and some years I am curled up in a ball of depression. I’m all over the emotional map during my birthday time and I’ve learned to embrace that process.
Where am I this year? What have I done? Am I who I want to be? Is there a stagnancy in my goals? Have I checked in with the desires of my heart? There are so many questions that my soul seeks answers to.
I don’t think I have answers to these questions, but my learning has taught me how to sit with the question and wait for the answer to come.
I’m waiting - but not stagnant - I’m moving, growing, changing, being, and most of all thriving.
The world has been so damned hard these last few years. I’ve listened to the lived experiences of so many whose lives are unlike mine. I have heard their stories and have had my heart changed.
Not just my heart - my whole being.
My mind is open and learning new ways to think and absorb information.
My heart is bigger for having heard the cries of both those around me and of my own soul.
My soul is strengthened by leaning into and looking at the truth of my personal trauma-filled childhood.
My body has shifted and is now a tool for adventure and actually an active participant in living a life instead of only surviving a life from the sidelines.
With all this change - all this movement, all this living and breathing life in - is 52 the new 22? 32? 42?
Do I want to relive those years with this new mind, body, and soul? How would I do it differently? Could I do it differently?
Should I do it differently is the actual question that sits on my soul. If I could have - should I have changed the course of my life at 22, 32, or 42?
Without the naivety and bravery of 22 - I would be missing my teammate and these delightful 4 children whom I adore with my whole soul and who I have the honor of learning from. I wouldn’t give that up for all the future living I could do. 52 is NOT the new 22.
Without extending (and often over extending) myself at 32, I would have never heard the voices of 100’s of children that sang love and peace to my heart. Their faces, their smiles, their wiggles, their earnest desire to feel the gift of music was in turn a gift to my very being. I still sing “Everything is possible if you try” - because there is truth in those words. 32 heard those little voices bravely belt “Why we sing” with their whole hearts and I would be missing a piece of my heart without their voices ringing through it. 52 is NOT the new 32.
At 42 I was gifted with becoming acquainted with some of the greatest humans on earth - Band Parents. There is a bond between band parents that is forged with love and sacrifice. We see the gift that band is for our children and we do the work to provide them the opportunities to stretch themselves and find out who they really are. In turn, we are gifted with amazing humans who support each other and we validate and are witnesses of the sacrifice we share together. Then there are the band students - the heart of the program - I love those children and was so grateful to have mentored and loved them the best I could. They taught 42 year old Mary what unconditional love is all about and I would not have survived without their gift. 52 is NOT the new 42.
So then - if 52 is not 22, 32, or 42 -- the question becomes clearer - what IS the real 52?
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| 52 is the beach |
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| 52 is mountain air |
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| 52 is running in the rain |
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| 52 is love is love is love |
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| 52 is new choices |
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| 52 is zipping in the trees |
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| 52 is a new body I love |
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| 52 is a new view 52 is breathing in life and breathing out pain. ❤️ 52 IS the new 52. Happy Birthday to ME! |
