... Yep... 50...
It sounded so daunting.
It sounded like my life should be already put together.
It sounded like a big deal. So I should make it a big deal, right?!
I had an idea. I made a big week long plan in my head - I even said it out loud so that it would come true. Looked up the info, started to make decisions.
I wanted to go somewhere big, make a statement - prove to myself (and to others, honestly) that I could LIVE LIFE!
But I’ve learned recently, that anytime I have to prove ANYTHING to anyone else - I might be on the wrong track. I might be trying to yet again hustle for my worth.
That’s the pattern of the last 49 years and a refuse to walk that path for one more minute. Not one.
The truth is - I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. Ever.
I am enough today and everyday.
So my big plans turned into silence - not the wallowing kind - more like solitude - the healthy kind of silence.
I spent the last week without any responsibilities even though I still did laundry - twice.
I spent the last week without the burden of expectations. No one needed me.
I spent a few days connecting with a dear friend and filling my soul with her love as she willingly spent her time and money with me. I cherish that time and the peace I felt with her.
But what would I do with today — the day that 50 would be forced upon me without my say.
I wallowed for a brief moment. Ever so brief.
Comparison almost took a hold of my spirit and drowned it in a river of sorrow and despair.
Did I do this right? I didn’t have much of a story to tell about my year 50 celebration. What would people think? That I didn’t care? That my family didn’t care?
Did I think I had not earned a celebration? Did I somewhere deep down feel like I didn’t deserve one?
STOP IT!!!!!!! I yelled on the treadmill in the hotel fitness center.
Just STOP IT!!!
The wallowing stopped. I took a deep breath and kept on walking. I looked out the window at the pool and started planning when I would go down, what I would bring, and how long I should stay.
It was empty — as it had been all week — and I could once again look forward to the solitude that has been filling my soul all week.
Since I didn’t waste anytime wallowing, I had a few moments to contemplate the future - not just any future — not my family’s future — not the future of those I love — MY future.
My future might contain the following — if I choose:
Learn. I’ve always doubted my ability to remember what I have learned and it has stopped me from trying. Not anymore.
Love. There are so many ways to experience and express love. I want to practice these two ideas: Love is Always the Answer and I Accept the Love I Think I Deserve.
Choice. This is my core - my new truth - and I will keep talking about the gift that choice is - God’s greatest gift.
Trust. This is new. I don’t get it yet. There is much more to understand. But my soul feels like it’s vital to truly living.
50 was/is fabulous! Today was a great day of sun and solitude. Two of my favorites.
HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY to me!!
